It's OK to not be superhuman.
Well I think it’s safe to say that life as we know it has been completely flipped upside down in a matter of weeks…days…hours. I never imagined living through a Pandemic. It is scary. I worry. I am anxious. It is is easy to let negativity consume you into a downward spiral, but what good is that going to do for anyone? As someone who likes to take control and always needs a plan, I am trying to take things ONE day at a time.
As an artist, it feels like my whole world has come to a sudden pause. With the rest of my season cancelled and no where to practice my craft, my 20+ years spent in a studio toning my instrument almost feels wasted.
The new culture of virtual dance classes has some dancers feeling excited and for others overwhelmed. As a girl who is categorized under Type A, I found myself tuning in to at least 3-4 virtual classes a day during the first couple weeks of self quarantine. I wasn’t attending these classes because I had the want or love to, but more-so the feeling of guilt. Seeing friends share on social media that they were taking these virtual classes made me feel pressured to do so; and in fact I still feel pressured to do so. I felt that I needed to be taking class to receive a sense of validation from my community. That if I weren’t taking advantage of taking classes from the top dancers and DIRECTORS in the world such as; Tamara Rojo, Julie Kent, Christopher Stowell… then I am seen as a lazy, uncommitted, and underrated fraud. There will always be some expectation for me to project a source of positive energy and motivation on my social platforms, but some days it just feels so forced.
It wasn’t until a full 30 days of feeling pressured to realize that it was OK to not be superhuman. I don’t know if you’ve allowed yourself to admit that today. Or yesterday. Or even the last week… or the last month. If you haven’t, I hope you can take five seconds right now, stop what you’re doing, and take a deep breath or two.
I have learned that it’s OK to not have this all figured out. It’s OK to somehow feel both productive and lazy, both stir-crazy and introverted. It’s OK to feel this crazy need to make the most of these days while nothing is regular and no rhythms are intact.
It wasn’t until recently when I decided to take a full step away from the dance world. I promised myself that I would only take a dance class if I felt the mere desire to.
If dancing would relieve stress.
If it had me wanting to set my alarm at 8am for an 8:30am ballet class with my old ballet master, Jae Man Joo.
If I was in the mood to tackle the struggles of living room ballet.
And if I was okay with the frustration of not getting the combination right away due to wifi connection.
Removing myself (as much as I could) from the virtual dance community, allowed me to have the right headspace for when I decided to take my next dance class. It in result left me craving for dance more than before. So although I may not be as active in the ballet world, I am still well connected in the dance community. Thankful that quarantine brought me to classes that I never had time for in real life. I finally got to immerse myself back into pilates, musical theatre, heels, and even my boxing classes.
This is a long game process. We are ALL adjusting and if someone acts like they have this whole thing figured out, then they are likely either making it up as they go along or not being honest with THEMSELVES. Find what cures you. For me it’s all about balance. Challenge yourself to new activities. Open up a book. Start writing (which I am doing as you read). Connect with friends and family. And most importantly SMILE.
Xx,
C
Photos by Alejandro Cerdena